hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
