I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
