I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
