i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
