I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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