My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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