I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so that wasnt chicken after all
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
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