Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
