There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
