Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
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