I have demons in me.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
