1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Cold hands, warm shart.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
