I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
