if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
