I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
not ubering you a puppy
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
