also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
