Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
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He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
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Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize