my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
