Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
