I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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