just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.