Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
