this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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