Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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