Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
