I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
