You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
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Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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