He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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