You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
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Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
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I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
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