i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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