i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
