I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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