...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
