i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I wish they made helmets for livers.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
