Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
