Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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