Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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