Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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