Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
We have so much sex to catch up on
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize