Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
i now understand why vodka
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
