You know, be my cock's hype man.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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