So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
