true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
