we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
