Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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