party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
