Please, let me fuck your mom
What did we do last night that was yellow?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
