He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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