he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
