I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
