Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
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