so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
