Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
