good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Randomize
